lost my baby

Lost my baby but I’m #StillAMum: Patricia Kemboi

1. How did you feel when you discovered you were pregnant?
I was elated to say the least. I had already thought it out and I was convinced that I was ready to be a mum. My prayers were finally answered!

2. How was the pregnancy?
It wasn’t an easy one. I had crazy morning sickness and was reacting to every taste and smell. The only thing that kept me going were the dreams and hopes of holding my baby.

3. Share your story briefly. At what point did you lose the baby?

I was 11 weeks and a few days when everything happened. It was on a Sunday and I was working late. I started experiencing some very sharp pain around my waist and abdomen. I didn’t think too much of it and decided to wait until the morning before going to hospital. By the time I got home, the pain had already gone, so I decided to go to a clinic for a check-up come morning.

When I woke up on Monday morning, I was already bleeding and although I was trying not to think of the worst, I couldn’t stop praying to God to save my baby. My Ivanna. I had names already chosen for both genders, but I went with a girl’s name. I wanted her to get the best.I rushed to Mama Lucy Hospital, which was the nearest hospital and the doctor sent me for an ultrasound. My stay at the hospital was the worst experience I’ve ever had. I went for the scan. Deep down, I knew it would be difficult to save her, but I was hopeful. I kept reciting the Hail Mary countless times amid tears.  I got the scan results more than an hour later and was sent back to the doctor who very softly broke the news to me. I had already cried for 3 hours. I was exhausted.

4. How did you feel immediately you were given the news?
I was crushed. I wanted to die too. I just sat there in shock as the doctor asked these weird questions on whether I’ve been taking care of myself, whether I was overworking..etc.I was angry at this point. Why are you blaming me for something I have no idea about? I have lost my baby, the most important thing in my life and all you can do is insinuate that I haven’t been taking care of myself?

5. Do you feel the medical staff treated you well?
No. I think they could have handled the situation better. The news were broken in such a manner that I immediately started blaming myself. I went to the evacuation room and waited 4 hours for the doctor who took another hour to evacuate my baby’s remains…..27th August 2015. The worst day of my life.
Can you imagine the staff admitted they didn’t know whether they were doing the evacuation right? In my presence!!

6. How has been the healing journey?
I went into depression almost immediately. It hasn’t been easy, considering 2 of my closest friends had babies almost the same time I lost mine. I lost friends and people close to me because they didn’t know how to deal with my grief. Then I found Still A Mum and it has been my comfort to know that I am not alone in this. That I did not put my baby in danger as people assumed. That I am not cursed and it can happen to anyone. Miscarriages are not curses. They are not anyone’s Karma. I nearly believed these things.

I still cry and dream, but I can tell the story with a calm heart now. That’s progress.

7. What are some nice things have people done to support you?
Letting me talk and cry it out without judging or giving opinions. That means more than anyone can imagine.

8. What are some hurtful things have people said/done to you?
One woman told me to admit that I cannot have a baby. I cried for hours when I got home. Some people said that miscarrying is a curse either from my family or my baby daddy’s family. It is crazy how much people can say/do about things they know nothing about.

9.Did you face any rejection from family after losing your baby?
Not at all. My family has been supportive. My aunt even named her baby after mine, which was an honour to say the least. They refer to my baby by her name which makes it easier for me to be open about it to them. They are my pillar of strength.

10.What would you like people to know about child loss? How should society respond?
The society should talk about this issue more so that we can let go of the myths and beliefs. Support your friends and family when they are going through child loss. It is not a curse and neither is it any woman’s fault. Try to understand how they lost the baby and factors causing such losses. Realize that every miscarriage is a baby gone way too soon. What’s left behind is a constant wonder of who they would have been. The people left behind are hurting so be kind.

11.Encourage a mum who’s feeling like giving up because of going through child loss.
It shall be well. You will never let go if the memories or dreams, that’s a fact. But one day, it will hurt less,you will cry less and finally, you will be able to talk about your angel baby with a smile on your face. We never get over it, we just learn how to live through it. Your angel won’t like you to be sad always, would they?

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